Breaking Up With Your Best Friend

Friendships, we have all had our fair share of them, and they come in many different forms. First, you have acquaintances. Those who are very much on the outer reach of your friend group. Yeah, you may hang out with one another, but it's not the friend you would get deep into the feels with. Acquaintances are easy to acquire and also easy to ignore. Often you guys are just at peace liking each other's pictures of Instagram.

Then you have a friend, just a friend. They are closer than acquaintances and are often someone you spend quality time with. You trust them but definitely haven't told them your deepest secrets. With friends, they can be a bit harder to sever ties from, but when you do, the pain is minimal at best.

Finally, you have your best friend, the person that you are basically attached to. You have shared everything and basically know so much about each other that they have blackmail on you dating back to that time in 8th grade, where you slipped on the floor and fell flat on your back in the middle of the hallway at school. They know all of your dirty secrets, but also y9u consider this person your soulmate. You plan to be in each other's weddings, you laugh with one another, cry on the floor with one another. They are always there for you…until they aren't.

It's safe to say that breaking up with a bestie is probably one of the most soul-crushing experiences you can go through. Trust me, I have gone through it. But just like any breakup, it comes in stages, and later you have passed through the storm, you come out realizing that ending that friendship was for the better, even though it killed you to do it.

Now I know that all of this seems easier said than done, and you may be nursing war wounds and scars from letting go of who you considered your ride-or-die, but trust me, we will get through this together. Because, while we want to be able to hold onto a friendship, it is often healthier to let go.

So let's start re-evaluating our relationships and healing ourselves from toxic friendship behaviors.

What Have You Done For Me?

If you are currently evaluating your friendship, it's essential to ask yourself, what have you done for me? Now, this doesn't mean that you tally up everything like, "oh well, she paid for dinner, she brought me this rad bracelet for my birthday." When I tell you to ask this, it means what have you done for me, emotionally. Have you felt supported through both your highs and lows? Have they been there for you through hard times? Have they given you sound advice and supported your emotional growth?

These are some big questions, but necessary to ask when looking into a friendship. Sometimes we can get caught up in being the one to give in the friendship continually, and because we are okay with it, for the time being, we often forget that we also need to be receivers in the relationship as well. When you continuously give and give and give, you are often left with nothing more, which leads us to our next point. 

Emotional Vampirism

A term that I recently heard but didn't quite see in my life until recently is an emotional vampire. An emotional vampire is someone who literally sucks the energy out of your body, much like how a traditional vampire drains you of your blood. This form of vampirism, though, is a lot subtler and usually doesn't come with a pseudo-romantic YA novel. It can be hard to spot at first, but there are signs. So here are a couple of questions to ask yourself to detect emotional vampirism:

·   Do you leave every conversation with them feeling emotionally exhausted?

·   Are they always redirecting conversations to be about themselves?

·   Do they consistently unload their problems onto you, but don't ask about your hardships in return?

·   When was the last time they asked you about you?

While there are many more things that can point out an emotionally draining friend, these are some great ones to start with.

I was given an exercise by my therapist, of writing down the activities in my life that I am involved in, and then to label them as life-giving or life-sucking. Which ones were building me up, and which ones were breaking me down. This isn't to say that the life-giving activities don't have their draining moments. Still, they are few and far between in comparison to ones that actually drain you consistently. I implore you to adopt a similar technique to evaluate relationships.

Putting in 100% and Receiving 50%

Another way to look at the emotional draining aspect is to also think about it in terms of percentages. Now, this is something that can be helpful if you need a more practical way of looking at what you both contribute to the relationship. This could mean that you are putting in 100% to maintain and nurture your friendship, but they are only willing to contribute maybe 50-60%. When the amount of dedication I continuously out of balance, it can lead to you feeling frustrated and even resentful, which is never something you should feel in a relationship.

To first address this off-kilter friendship, you should discuss this with your friend. Still, if they continue to either drain you emotionally or fail to play an equal part in the friendship, it's time to let them go.

Letting Go and Moving On

Ending a friendship is a lot less dramatic than in movies or television, usually. While sometimes there will be n argument or a defining moment where the friendship, other times it will just fizzle out. Conversations become shorter, calls are less frequent, and eventually, it just ends. I think that's even harder than a considerable blowout or falling out because at least with that, you know what happened. When things just kind of end, also when you were doing everything to make it work, it hurts because you feel like you failed to like your friendship wasn't enough for them.

But that's not true. If you were trying everything to keep the friendship afloat and out still fizzled out, it most likely has nothing to do with you. You tried, you made an effort, and you put in 100%. Unfortunately, they did not. And while it's hurtful to know that, you should also feel lightness. You may feel an emotional weight being lifted off of you because carrying a friendship that also has you carrying their emotional baggage is incredibly exhausting.

With the release of a friendship, especially one that you put time and effort into may also come to the release of a lot of emotions, so if you cry or get mad, that's totally okay. Positively expressing those emotions can be a great way to move on. So I highly suggest leaning into other positive and life-giving relationships you have in your life, or even seeking out therapy to talk through these residual feedings that can come from this separation.

In the end, the lessons that you learn from this can be undeniably amazing. You will take away essential pieces like how you should be treated, what you need in a relationship, and how to communicate those needs, the importance of putting in the effort, and also building healthy boundaries.

And if you are letting go of friends and relationships that are no longer positive or emotionally fulfilling, just know that it is okay, and know that the friendship and relationship you have with yourself is the most important one of all.