Deep In The Heart
After roughly 4 months, 4 different countries and a chance to experience more cultures in a semester than I have in a whole lifetime, i'm back in my home state of texas. there are so many things that i considered, and so many feelings that flitted through my mind when i left and when i came back to texas. it's hard to put it into words...but i tried to anyway. so this is for anyone who goes out to explore, but can always find there way back home.
Image Credit: Ariana Coleman
Leaving Home
I've always considered myself to be someone who is incredibly open to new experiences. I think I was always willing to try new things that would put me out of my comfort zone in the best way possible. This attitude is what led me to being a double major in college, entering an honors program where I had no idea what I was doing, joining Baylor Dance Company, and seeking friendships. This mentality was also what led me to decide to study abroad. Now I was no stranger to traveling, but I was about to be living in a completely unfamiliar environment. So I would have to say that I got homesick before I was even away from home. Those last couple of weeks in Texas, before I left for Paris were filled with so many differing emotions. Excitement for Paris. Stress over traveling to a foreign country by myself, and also not knowing the language and culture. Fear of going on this adventure and hating every minute of it (I laugh at the fact that I could have ever though of this). And also a deep sadness that I would be going away from the only place that I have truly called home. I have had friends who have moved state to state, country to country, but I have never had that experience. The only place I have ever lived was Texas, and the idea of leaving a place that was so familiar to me, so incredibly paramount in creating the person who I am today, was terrifying.
You can ask my mom, and she will tell you that I was a wreck of emotions at one point. I just had a lot of feelings about the whole situation. I was afraid that I would be leaving and everyone would move on and realize that I wasn't really needed in their life anymore. My mom quickly pointed out my ridiculousness and said that I am loved, and that me going away won't change that. That home in Texas, the friendships I cultivated here, the lessons I've learned here, will not be forgotten. So with this in mind I left.
Image Credit: Ariana Coleman
Preparing to return to the known
Paris had opened my eyes to the life that I could have. It was quickly becoming a different type of home for me and living there sometimes felt as easy as breathing. Of course I missed my home, but it was strange because although I will always consider Texas my home, Paris was also becoming a some sort of home for me as well. I was creating relationships that I would soon have to physically leave, and getting to know a city that has given me so many opportunities to explore and grow. My decision to come home had me torn. I had the option to stay in Paris for another semester, but in the interest of it being my first time living in another country, and the fact that I hadn't seen my family in four months, I decided against it. But I was quickly moving on to the idea of going abroad to London next fall. My thoughts were that, I had to keep going to different places in order to grow. That I had to keep traveling, and maybe abandon the notion of a permanent place for a while. But London wasn't calling me the way Paris had, and so after talking it out with my mom, I decided that I would allow myself Christmas break to really be home and then make a final decision.
Image Credit: Ariana Coleman
The return
I will be completely honest...I didn't want to come home. Although I was homesick during finals (like intensely so), and I did miss my friends. I didn't want to come home. I felt like that if I were to come home, I would be limited to what I could do. Paris gave me so much freedom to discover who I was, what I wanted to do, and who God wanted me to be, that I was terrified that I would go home and all of that work God did on me would just go away.
But this morning (when I couldn't go back to sleep because I was hella jet-lagged), I threw on some warm clothing, grabbed my camera, and Bella (my crazy dog) and trekked through my huge back yard. I was blessed to see a beautiful Texas sunrise, and just be at peace for a moment. When I was fretting over the fact that I wouldn't have Paris at my disposal anymore, my mom told me something that didn't hit home with me until I was outside in the freezing cold this morning. You have to go out and look for things. She pointed out that even though I was in Paris, I didn't just sit around and wait for things to happen, I was active in looking for new and amazing things, and that this is what I have to do back home also, or just in any place I go.
She was right (of course, when is Kim not?). I came back to Texas afraid that I wouldn't be able to grow in character and experiences in a place that I felt like I "knew," but it's the exact opposite. I don't know my home, not like I used to anyway. Now, it's like an old friend who you are getting to know again. It's familiar and brand new at the same time, and I now know the immense privilege I have to get to know it again.
Image Credit: Ariana Coleman
I know that I will no doubt continue to go into the world and explore more, but I also learned that there is no benefit in being comfortable. Being comfortable = being stagnant. So I will take the time to get out of being comfortable and continue to be bold with how I live my life. No matter if I'm home in Texas, living in Paris, or wherever God may lead me to next. I now know that in order for a place to truly become home, you must truly get to know it and get out of your own way to do that.
